Please warn your readers to always be on the lookout for "red flags."

I had not dated for 25 years after my divorce. I joined an online dating service 1 year after my divorce. I was initially very flattered about all the attention I received.  However initially I was not paying attention to these red flags to beware some of the men who contacted me.

I had one gentleman contact me who lived in Dallas, Texas.  His online profile was not anything like the person he really turned out to be.  We emailed each other for awhile and talked on the phone twice.  During one of the phone conversations he mentioned he planned to take a couple of months off during the summer to make a cross country trip. He also mentioned he would consider including my city in his plans.  I initially took this to mean the might look me up if he happen to stop in the city where I live. I thought he planned to inviting me to dinner and we would see how it went from there.  Boy, was I in for a surprise!

I guess my first clue should have been his email about visiting me for a day, a week, a liftetime.  I thought he was flattering me.  He was very charming! During the next call he offered to provide personal information about himself such as his driver's license #, a reference from the minister for his church and part of his divorce papers to prove he was single.  He even offered to get a blood test.  This should have been a big red flag! I mentioned that no one had offered to do all this before he replied that he wanted to make sure I was comfortable in meeting him and spending time with him.  I let it go.

Two weeks later I happen to be online at the same dating service and noticed he was also online.  I dropped him an email to say hello and ask how his travel plans were coming. He used his online email for the dating service to reply saying he was glad to hear from me and still planned on providing the personal information he promised. The 2nd reply came from his personal email address. His tone was totally different in this email! He did not want me to ever use the dating service again and not email him from it.

Personally he planned to keep his appts for lunch dates he had made with other ladies but did not plan to start a physically intimate relationship with them. He also offered to share household expenses and help with house work while staying with me.  He told me to expect his visit to be a lot shorter length of time if he had to stay in a hotel. He expected the same commitment from me.  I felt like he assumed I was ready to jump into an exclusive relationship when
we had not even met in person yet!

I did not reply to his email immediately. I waited until the next morning and used my personal email as he requested to say I would like to know a good time to call him to discuss his travel plans in more detail and that I was on my way to have brunch with a girlfriend.

My cell phone immediately started ringing again and again and again! I chose to ignore it because I was on my way out the door for brunch. My phone continued to ring during brunch with my girlfriend. The voicemails he left me were progressively worse in tone. He started saying things like he expected me to always answer
whenever he called, to always leave my cellphone on, to call him immediately, etc.

I finished my brunch date with my girlfriend - not wanting to talk to him while she was there. Waited about an hour after I go home to collect my thoughts before calling him.  I should have simply emailed him instead of calling saying something like I did not wish to continue our correspondence and to please not plan to visit me. I called him and he immediately started venting by talking way to loud and complaining about the fact that I still visited the online dating service in spite of our "plans" to live together for the summer, etc etc.

I listened quitely until he stopped and finally asked him if he was done talking. Dead silence and then he asked what I wanted to talk about. I told him that we had totally different expectations about his "visit." That I had not agreed to allow him to stay with me let
alone get physically initimated.  He immedately accused me of having a profile that was a "come on" to men.  I ignored this and mentioned his emails to me. He totally denied everything! He blamed this whole
miscommunication on me instead.

The good news is I never heard from him again.  I am very glad because I noticed he continued to view my profile constantly. Several weeks later I decided to view his again and his real Hyde personality came out.  He told all conservative women not to contact him again, etc, etc. It was very ugly.

From "D." (I am not sharing her name or real initials.)

 

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Dear Mimi,

I just wanted to put my 2 cents in about the online dating thing.  I have met wonderful men online and those who were pigs, too.  As said before, you kind of have to learn how to learn the cues -- however, a man who sends you a picture of his "Johnson" in an IM is definitely Cue #1 in my books! 

Anyway, my 2 cents is that, unfortunately, alot of people look at online dating as "taboo" and dangerous.  For some reason, people seem to think that you actually have to SEE the person physically in order to find out if they are date-worthy or not.  The guy I am seeing that I met online and I are actually LYING to our families saying that we met at a store. 

Yes, I know that we should be honest, but who wants to hear all the negative comments like, "you don't even know him!" when, in fact, I got to know him on the INSIDE as a person online and then thru several telephone conversations first before actually meeting him in person.  A guy that asks you out on a date that you see at the bus stop can turn into just as much of a psycho. You go out on the date and it's only THEN through "in person" dating that you get to know that person versus getting to know them first BEFORE going on that first date.

I hope my email helps anyone out there see the other side of online dating as a SAFER way to meet men & end the taboo charade.

Thanks,
Kim